(ebook-occult) ambrose bierce - the devil's dictionary, ebooki
[ Pobierz całość w formacie PDF ]
The Internet Wiretap 1st Online Edition of
THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARY
by
AMBROSE BIERCE
Copyright 1911 by Albert and Charles Boni, Inc.
A Public Domain Text, Copyright Expired
Released April 15 1993
Entered by Aloysius of &tSftDotIotE
aloysius@west.darkside.com
PREFACE
The Devil's Dictionary_ was begun in a weekly paper
in 1881, and was continued in a desultory way at long
intervals until 1906. In that year a large part of it
was published in covers with the title _The Cynic's Word
Book_, a name which the author had not the power to
reject or happiness to approve. To quote the publishers
of the present work:
"This more reverent title had previously been forced upon him by
the religious scruples of the last newspaper in which a part of
the work had appeared, with the natural consequence that when it
came out in covers the country already had been flooded by its
imitators with a score of 'cynic' books --
The Cynic's This, The
Cynic's That, and The Cynic's t'Other
. Most of these books were
merely stupid, though some of them added the distinction of
silliness. Among them, they brought the word 'cynic' into
disfavor so deep that any book bearing it was discredited in
advance of publication."
Meantime, too, some of the enterprising humorists of the
country had helped themselves to such parts of the work
as served their needs, and many of its definitions,
anecdotes, phrases and so forth, had become more or less
current in popular speech. This explanation is made, not
with any pride of priority in trifles, but in simple
denial of possible charges of plagiarism, which is no
trifle. In merely resuming his own the author hopes to
be held guiltless by those to whom the work is addressed
-- enlightened souls who prefer dry wines to sweet, sense
to sentiment, wit to humor and clean English to slang. A
conspicuous, and it is hope not unpleasant, feature of
the book is its abundant illustrative quotations from
eminent poets, chief of whom is that learned and ingenius
cleric, Father Gassalasca Jape, S.J., whose lines bear
his initials. To Father Jape's kindly encouragement and
assistance the author of the prose text is greatly
indebted.
A.B.
A
ABASEMENT, n. A decent and customary mental attitude in the presence
of wealth of power. Peculiarly appropriate in an employee when
addressing an employer.
ABATIS, n. Rubbish in front of a fort, to prevent the rubbish outside
from molesting the rubbish inside.
ABDICATION, n. An act whereby a sovereign attests his sense of the
high temperature of the throne.
Poor Isabella's Dead, whose abdication
Set all tongues wagging in the Spanish nation.
For that performance 'twere unfair to scold her:
She wisely left a throne too hot to hold her.
To History she'll be no royal riddle --
Merely a plain parched pea that jumped the griddle.
G.J.
ABDOMEN, n. The temple of the god Stomach, in whose worship, with
sacrificial rights, all true men engage. From women this ancient
faith commands but a stammering assent. They sometimes minister at
the altar in a half-hearted and ineffective way, but true reverence
for the one deity that men really adore they know not. If woman had a
free hand in the world's marketing the race would become
graminivorous.
ABILITY, n. The natural equipment to accomplish some small part of
the meaner ambitions distinguishing able men from dead ones. In the
last analysis ability is commonly found to consist mainly in a high
degree of solemnity. Perhaps, however, this impressive quality is
rightly appraised; it is no easy task to be solemn.
ABNORMAL, adj. Not conforming to standard. In matters of thought and
conduct, to be independent is to be abnormal, to be abnormal is to be
detested. Wherefore the lexicographer adviseth a striving toward the
straiter [sic] resemblance of the Average Man than he hath to himself.
Whoso attaineth thereto shall have peace, the prospect of death and
the hope of Hell.
ABORIGINIES, n. Persons of little worth found cumbering the soil of a
newly discovered country. They soon cease to cumber; they fertilize.
ABRACADABRA.
By _Abracadabra_ we signify
An infinite number of things.
'Tis the answer to What? and How? and Why?
And Whence? and Whither? -- a word whereby
The Truth (with the comfort it brings)
Is open to all who grope in night,
Crying for Wisdom's holy light.
Whether the word is a verb or a noun
Is knowledge beyond my reach.
I only know that 'tis handed down.
From sage to sage,
From age to age --
An immortal part of speech!
Of an ancient man the tale is told
That he lived to be ten centuries old,
In a cave on a mountain side.
(True, he finally died.)
The fame of his wisdom filled the land,
For his head was bald, and you'll understand
His beard was long and white
And his eyes uncommonly bright.
Philosophers gathered from far and near
To sit at his feat and hear and hear,
Though he never was heard
To utter a word
But "_Abracadabra, abracadab_,
_Abracada, abracad_,
_Abraca, abrac, abra, ab!_"
'Twas all he had,
'Twas all they wanted to hear, and each
Made copious notes of the mystical speech,
Which they published next --
A trickle of text
In the meadow of commentary.
Mighty big books were these,
In a number, as leaves of trees;
In learning, remarkably -- very!
He's dead,
As I said,
And the books of the sages have perished,
But his wisdom is sacredly cherished.
In _Abracadabra_ it solemnly rings,
Like an ancient bell that forever swings.
O, I love to hear
That word make clear
Humanity's General Sense of Things.
Jamrach Holobom
ABRIDGE, v.t. To shorten.
When in the course of human events it becomes necessary for
people to abridge their king, a decent respect for the opinions of
mankind requires that they should declare the causes which impel
them to the separation.
Oliver Cromwell
ABRUPT, adj. Sudden, without ceremony, like the arrival of a cannon-
shot and the departure of the soldier whose interests are most
affected by it. Dr. Samuel Johnson beautifully said of another
author's ideas that they were "concatenated without abruption."
ABSCOND, v.i. To "move in a mysterious way," commonly with the
property of another.
Spring beckons! All things to the call respond;
The trees are leaving and cashiers abscond.
Phela Orm
ABSENT, adj. Peculiarly exposed to the tooth of detraction; vilifed;
hopelessly in the wrong; superseded in the consideration and affection
of another.
To men a man is but a mind. Who cares
What face he carries or what form he wears?
But woman's body is the woman. O,
Stay thou, my sweetheart, and do never go,
But heed the warning words the sage hath said:
A woman absent is a woman dead.
Jogo Tyree
ABSENTEE, n. A person with an income who has had the forethought to
remove himself from the sphere of exaction.
ABSOLUTE, adj. Independent, irresponsible. An absolute monarchy is
one in which the sovereign does as he pleases so long as he pleases
the assassins. Not many absolute monarchies are left, most of them
having been replaced by limited monarchies, where the sovereign's
power for evil (and for good) is greatly curtailed, and by republics,
which are governed by chance.
ABSTAINER, n. A weak person who yields to the temptation of denying
himself a pleasure. A total abstainer is one who abstains from
everything but abstention, and especially from inactivity in the
affairs of others.
Said a man to a crapulent youth: "I thought
You a total abstainer, my son."
"So I am, so I am," said the scrapgrace caught --
"But not, sir, a bigoted one."
G.J.
ABSURDITY, n. A statement or belief manifestly inconsistent with
one's own opinion.
ACADEME, n. An ancient school where morality and philosophy were
taught.
ACADEMY, n. [from ACADEME] A modern school where football is
taught.
ACCIDENT, n. An inevitable occurrence due to the action of immutable
natural laws.
ACCOMPLICE, n. One associated with another in a crime, having guilty
knowledge and complicity, as an attorney who defends a criminal,
[ Pobierz całość w formacie PDF ]